State of Peace or State of Apathy

Life has calmed down!  

Which is somewhat ironic, becuase work is whipping itself into a psycotic frenzy right now, my work colleagues are physicaly showing the strain yet I`m annoyingly the happiness and light every morning.

Why is that?  Sunday prompted quite a lovely calm feeling in me.  I visited church on my own, with no expectations or resentments within me.  I chatted with a few people and tried hard to settle into the feelings and emotions of the service.  I was trying so hard this week to simple be in moment, not fight it, not resent it, not argue with it…..and I felt great.

Alot of people said I was with the Holy Spirit.  Possibly, but finishing the service I started to pray about my baptism. I`ve wrestled with the idea of it and rationaly came to the conclusion that if anything it had to be the truth and honest. I had been feeling unsure about both of these. Maybe not unsure but doubting my own feelings and emotions. 

And so I immersed myself in the worship and quitely prayed for guidance.  We all finished, and I was enveloped in a feeling of peace and general well being, full of energy, clarity and peace of mind.  

It struck me very quickly and very hard, I can not unsee the things I have seen, I can not un-experience the experiences I have had, I can not un-meet the people I have met. Could I turn away from this and return to the world?  of cause it is a resounding NO!!!!  I can honestly only see  a new and fantasticaly exciting future.  Scarey, yes. Intimidating, Yes. Loving, Yes. Truthlfull most definately.  I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin……I am genuinely happy right now. Nobody can take this from me.

I only see a bright and good future, baptism is the next logical, truthfull and honest step. My next step of faith….

 

I forgot to take my drugs this morning.  This would normaly result in some quite strange side effects at around lunch time. Very oddly I feel fine.  Tired but fine. I`ve been thinking hard about coming off the drugs, I have no need for them anymore. Is this spiritual healing in progress or did I jsut take the drugs and forgot….?  I`m going to pray for this tonight, and not take my medication anymore. This could be the big sign I`ve been looking for?

 

This evenings tune courtesy of twitter @hetty4christ : http://blip.fm/profile/hetty4christ/blip/5308923

Trust and Patience

I suffered last week.  My experiences of church left me feeling fraudulent and a liar.  Strong words but the feeling was real none the less.

It dawned on me that to truly immerse myself within this, I had to truly believe, so as to be released and to allow myself to become fully within the experience.  It prompted the inevitable and hard question, “What do you believe in?”.

My mind then began to fill with contradictions as I used my logical mind to follow through spiritual thoughts and then to counter them with my knowledge of the world I live in now, almost as if I had no control of the process.  There is no obvious answer to all of this, I became anxious, upset, infact so much so that I spent the whole week, with a physical pain in my stomach.  I felt alone, deserted.  The most frightening part was that the turmoil I found myself in was not a new experience, in the past it has allways been a precursor to “The Dark Blackness” of depression and I know where that can lead, and it is not a good feeling.  I lost the will to do anything other than dwell on my feelings.

My friends got another long bout of emails;

“brace yourself for tonight…..I`ve got issues….I`ve started  asking the really BIG questions…….it’s doing my head in……”

Fearlessly, the response came back;

“Firstly as an EX ATHEIST… I can say from head, heart and SOUL… that they talk so much shit it is unbelievable! They have NO FACTS, NO HEART OR SOUL KNOWLEDGE and are stuck firmly in their dumb way. If you get an intelligent one (I wasn’t, but am now!) then their biggest argument is that they would rather believe something that is IMPOSSIBLE (evolution) than believe a “wizard in the sky did it”. However, most of the atheists I know do not even THINK of how we got here… because it brings other issues up that they don’t want to think about!

With regard to the “ex-Christian” … my simple point would be that the word “Christian” means “Christ-like”. Once you are SAVED it is for ever, so the term Ex Christian is kinda impossible. He may well have been someone who was never saved…but who am I to judge, I will let God resolve that one. And I will concentrate on MY OWN salvation as that is the ONLY one I can directly effect!

The feeling you had on Sunday… I have had lots of them!!!

Remember week 7??? You have not entered into a “fairy story” but you have walked headlong into a BATTLE.

Think you got your arse whooped on Sunday?!

OK… when those dark feelings come over you, quote scripture out loud. Sounds mad but it is effective, and keep doing them till they are gone. You don’t know much scripture … so quote the lords prayer. Also say “I am a child of the living God and a brother of Chris, so get behind me Satan, you have no authority over me”!

Don’t just cling with your fingertips… just take the blue bill and see how far the rabbit hole goes… jump on in. it is YOUR salvation and no-one else’s, not the atheist or the ex-Christians, it is YOURS and regardless of what ANYONE says (me included!) you can do whatever you want with it!

God is sooooooooooooooo good, he will let us decide where we want to spend eternity… as well as deciding if we want “life to the full” (John 10.10) NOW… he left it OUR choice!!!”

I reflect now on that week, with a state of mind that is calm and in some degree of peace. I look back and ask myself what has happened to give you this peace?  I`m not sure but I feel I`m developing a level of trust in my faith.  I`ve started to see lotes of coincidences and I`m feeling trust in that there will be more. This leads me to feel a level of trust in the idea that my depression and anxiety will be lifted, a trust in the idea that something amazing is going to happen, is happening.

I`ve been drawn to the Psalms of David this week, and one particular passage has calmed me immensely;

Psalm 42:9-11

I say to God, my rock ‘What have you forgotten me? why must I walk about mournfully because the enemy oppresses me?’  As with a deadly wound in my body, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me continually, ‘Where is your God?’

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are disquieted within me? Hope in God for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.”

The last line, has given me immense hope and faith this week.

Trust and Patience.

Song of the week: “I’d Come for You” - http://blip.fm/~2z0eh

The ‘Weekend’

At this point it important I try and describe my experiences from the “The Weekend”.

Alpha focuses fairly heavily on the Holy Spirit, and an integral part of this is – Welcoming the Holy Spirit in to you.  The weekend is devoted to the understanding and experiencing of this gift.

“Mmm sounds nice.  I guess there’ll be a free lunch and a good excuse for a bit of daddy time. Just me, no screaming ‘drains on my resources’. – Joke – “

Standing in a room of mad but lovely people was tough enough, but holding my hands to air and asking the Holy spirit to come into me was possibly the final straw.  For a long time nothing happend.  I stood there feeling increasingly anxious that nothing wood happened.  The minutes ticked by, and the thought of packing it all in and walking from the room was very strong. But I didn’t.

I started to forget about looking for ‘the feeling’ people had talked about; the tingling, the warmth, the stuff…..I then started on a train of thought that you have to let it in, and it hit me like to steam train – It was in fact me stopping the Holy Spirit coming in!  

And then I let go.

I stopped worrying about it, and started to smile.

I started to feel light, full of energy, I can remember my arms feeling almost physicaly lifted up. Then quite quickly I sensed a huge burst of energy across my left side, a tingling……a light, an energy.

I have never experienced anything like this in my life so far.

And then it slowly faded away.

I was left with a total and quite overpowering feeling of warmth, relaxation and comfort.

 

Was this just religous fever or a gift from God himself.  I have no idea, but I have never experienced this before and can find no real means to explain how it felt. It was a spiritual experience that is without doubt.

Sunday 8th March – CRISIS!

I ventured to take Olivia and the boys with me to church today. In hind-site that wasn’t the best plan.  

Poor Olivia, whilst confessing to spiritual leanings was probably not ready for the full on church singing and dancing in the aisels type of worship I`ve become used too.  Luke was loving playing with the big kids, whilst Nathan was struggling – as the tendancy of 2 yr olds – with the of sharing the new star wars figure with the big boys.

I enjoyed the morning, and always feel enlivend by the music – they really are very good – but left feeling uncomfortable and for some reason fraudulant.

I spent the rest of Sunday in a very bad mood! Grumpy, snappy, shouted at the kids, short tempered, frustrated!

Leading on from the conversation I had with my ex-christian and athest friend, I`ve been deeply concerned with the facts of the christian faith. I`m feeling as if I HAVE to believe whole heartedly and completely. Of cause the problem is that everwhere that I have looked, I`ve been confronted with contradictions, reasonable and rationale arguments as to why it is all a sham.

Yes, correct, in the context of the world we live in and language I use on a daily basis, there is no argument for faith and christianity. Everything I`ve started to learn, understand and comprehend is a contradiction.

My mind has become a turmoil of aguments and counter arguments.

• There is NO PROOF, but yes, you did feel something last weekend.
• Faith and religion are for people who NEED to believe in something other than this! – I need to believe.
• I`ve just been humouring these people.  - I`ve enjoyed it.
• Enjoying the intelectual and emotional attention these thoughts and ideas bring. – Your not being truthfull about this.
• These Sundays are just people whipping themselves into a religious frenzy. ITS ALL A NORMAL HUMAN CONDITION, nothing more, just people together!
• Your just forfilling a need for recognition and approval.
• Your just here to satisfy your personal weaknesses.
• Your ignoring the important things, Olivia, the boys.
• Your not exercising anymore. Your getting lethargic and FAT!
• Your not focusing on work, your letting things slip…!
• COME ON CONCENTRATE ON WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE DOING !!!! 

There are pages of this stuff in my notebook from last night.

I`ve walked around all day, unhappy, almost a physical pain of anxiety and depression in my stomach. I have no idea other than this is the normal way I deal with this stuff. To add to my fears and frustations this was how I used to feel at the height of my depression.  It is not a good feeling, and is always a frightening precursor to the ‘DARK BLACKNESS’ of a bad time. Which of cause led onto the anger of feeling like this and subsequently anger towards god. Can you see what is happening here yet?

However, it has taken me a 48 hours of being an arse to figure what is going on, and it was only in car this morning – after praying – that I figured out what was going on.  Another coincedence maybe?

Right now, I do not have the experience, wisdom or vocabulary to explain or even understand the depth and bravety of god, jesus and the holy spirit.  I can only attempt to reason these things based on my past 35 years of earthly experiences, but I`ve still got a feeling a hunch that something else is going on.

I can only explain it as if I was a toddler just learning to talk, reacting unknowingly and becoming frustrated. Not having the words or knowledge to understanding to tell dad that I really wanted that star wars figure from the big kids…..!

 

I`ve been watching a very interesting DVD – “Everything is Spiritual” by Rob Bell, where he attempts to rationalise science and faith. He uses a fantasticaly simple analagy to try and explain this idea.  I would not dare to try and explain this, but think about it, how would you explain to somebody in a 2D world what a 3D ring is?

And so when I got home this evening, I’ve pulled a book off the shelf which I’ve been meaning to read for t along time and turned to U2’s Bono’s depiction of the Psalm’s and his personal response to them, it described my feelings perfectly;

“Explaining belief has always been difficuly. How do you explain love and logic at the heart of the universe when the world is so out of whack? How about poetic versus the actual truth found in the scriptures? Has free will got us crucified? And what about the dodgy characters who inhabit the tome, known as the bible, who claim to hear the voice of God?

You have to be interested, but is God?

Explaining faith is impossible… Vision over visisbility … instinct over intellect … A songwriter plays a chord with the faith that he will hear the next one in his head”

I keep coming back to something a friend said;

“Small steps and patience.”

Sanity ‘Re-Balanced’

As my brain was going into internal meltdown; a friend said this to me:

“@flyingchristian God is all about the little steps…everyday.  Continuous small steps will win the race!”

It struck a resonating chord somewhere, have some trust and patience.  I have trust. My experiences so far on alpha have given me that.

Seems quite sensible really when you think about it.

De-Stabalised

Somebody said to me this to me this week. Be carefull this path your on is very de-stabalising!

Those words have been ringing true all week.  Everything I knew and know is in flux today.  Attended worship this morning, and have felt something wrong since then, my brain is most likely doing its normal thing.  Fighting, upturning, meddling with….! I can’t find a single thing to point at it, yet, I now feel uncomfortable, destabalised, churning inside.

So very f#####g frustrated!

I think the core of the problem is that, it’s only words.  Everyone has a story, everyone has an angle. Even the bible is jsut words in black and white.  I can’t allow myself to believe based on circumstancial evidence! which is what it is!

“You have to believe to understand”

I can’t!  There will allways be an element of doubt! Christianity is asking me to live a true and honest life basedon “The Truth”,  I can’t live a life like this without it being is true and honest. I can’t live my old life as that is not true and honest, how can I live as a christian if I know deep in my heart that it is not true and honest! Where is the proof, there is NO ANSWER!!!!  Uh oh…….I see where this is going…….!

IT IS ALL A CONTRADICTION….!!!

Questioning The Word of God.

If there is anyone up there I could do with a break about now.

Checking back through a bunch of email exchanges, I had another wobble a few weeks back. The point of this email chain – I think – is question everything but don’t deny the what it is you have experienced as fact.

To set the scene – Tough day in the office, few lagers, more thinking :

“How can the bible be the word of god….?
http://unreasonablefaith.com/2008/11/17/an-evil-god-introduction/
So many contradictions….!”

Despite my rantings about this, the site above in my opinion is an excellent piece of writing putting across a persuasive argument. Well worth a read.

The point is it got me all over the place, and hence the reply came:

Simple… It is far too BRILLIANT to be the word of MAN! And look how many people have been killed JUST because they would not “deny Christ”. If Jesus had of denied himself, he could have lived! He said, I am the word! Read John 1v1.

More people were killed in the last century 1900’s for their belief in Jesus than ALL the other centuries added together. The enemy is still working harder than ever to stop the love of Jesus spreading… and he will NOT do it! Jesus will come in power this time, and the whole world will know it.

May I ask you…

What changed peter from a fisherman that denied Jesus 3 times, to becoming the “rock on which I will build my church” and knowing so clearly that he had spent time with GOD in the form of man, that when he came to be crucified, he said “I am not worthy of the same death as Jesus so crucify me upside down!”… that is the change in us before and after we have received the Holy Spirit.

At about this time, I`ve seriously been considering baptism. The jury’s still out on this one though.  See below:

Yes, agreed. Slowly becoming clearer.  I have a sense of the brilliance but not much more at the moment. I`m clinging for dear life with my finger nails to this feeling.  (ie the feeling I had on Saturday) Sometimes I have started to forget what it felt like which possibly led to Mondays crisis.

I`m loving this now, because that moment, was the thing I was looking for, the thing only I experienced and the thing which I can judge all of my thoughts, feelings, questions and tantrums against.  I now have something to fall back against, my faith has been planted on an unfathomable rock and not shifting sands.  I feel good about that.

Had another moment in the car on the way home yesterday.  Feeling really good and confident I was singing away and started - literally shouting at the top of my voice at the devil – “HUH…YOU CAN’T HAVE ME!!!! HUH!!!!!” It felt really good. Another moment of release from all the baggage I`ve been carrying.

I’m still seeing being baptised as a “Done Deal!!”, but I want to be sure of the significance before I “take the plunge” so to speak. Forget everyone else, I want to know for myself and Jesus that I am doing it for the right reasons, I`m not going to lie to anyone about this it will be the most honest and true thing I’ve ever done. This point will come I can see that now, maybe not this week though. Honesty and being true are the key for me on this.

Still confused…

Shaky Ground

Why oh why, is this such shaky ground?

One minute I`ve got it, the next I`m filled with doubt and unrest.  Felt great this morning, sun shining, life fantastic, faith coming along nicely. Then had a good lunch with an atheist and an ex-christian.  Atheist colleague believes in none of it, your born – you die end of!  Ex-christian colleague has significant doubts about evolution but yet can’t handle the idea of God and Jesus.  I`m becoming hugely frustrated that I can’t find the language, the wisdom or the knowledge to counter argue.

Again, I so want this to be true, but again is this just a manifestation of my personal insecurities and search for some meaning in my life? I can’t honestly say that it isn’t.

This search for faith seems to hard today, so much unrest in my world tonight.

I keep coming back to the picture of my friends, so openly passionate and evangelical about their faith, what must it be like to have that much confidence in an idea. I wish I had that.  maybe by the very nature of wanting this so much, it is as such, a done deal.

You always get what you really want.  

Am I in the process of warping my world to fit my dream? and if I am is that such a bad idea?

“To believe you have to understand, to understand you have to believe”. Mr D – Feb 2009

By becoming a christian do I not then feel a need to surround myself with other christians? will this come at the cost of my family?

Have just flicked to a random page in the bible:

James 5:8 “You also must be patient. Strengthen your hearts for the coming of the lord is near.”

Read into it what you want. It is still a random page in the bible. Does not every page suggest this?

Getting Angry.

And so I became angry.

What a lot of rubbish! You mean I can loose the anxiety, loose the depression, be reborn.  

THAT DOES NOT AND CAN NOT HAPPEN !!!! ARE YOU MAD !!!!  

I started to see the world differently at this point.  I was beginning to have a meaning, I`ve found a lot of comfort in loving everyone.  Not as I would love my wife or kids, but as I would love my Brother.  Would I do anything for him, YES, without a shadow of a doubt. Would I protect him, of cause. Would I carry his burden if he was in trouble, yes, remember I`m a nice bloke, not a problem.

But, does this make a Christian. Nope!  What would make me a Christian? – Who knows?  

Most of the leaders on the Alpha course seem to have figured that out, but for all the talking, the discussing, the singing (AGAIN WHAT THE !!!!), the praying it was all just lip service. I was starting to feel like a bit of a fraud, just in it for the social attention and free dinners.

And so Mr D (As I`ll call him – don’t think he’ll mind too much) – started to get more emails:

“But to keep you going – I`ve been reading the gospels, looking for the good, helping people, stopping myself when I get angry and judgmental with people, asking “What would Jesus do in this situation (alot) ???, a couple of prayers this week, more thinking and reading……..nothing!

Where’s my big spiritual moment? How can I open myself up when every part of my rational, IT, technology brain keeps whispering, this is nonsense, a nice story, but not real…..your just humoring your emotional side…..? Although I can intellectually handle the idea of Jesus and God, It’s just a nice fabel…..Where’s my proof!!!”

And what was beginning to drive me nuts, was everone just looking at me with a knowing smile……AAAARRGGHHHH !!!!

So the reply came….

“Proof or “complete Faith” comes in time, as things happen that you cant keep explaining away and as you grow spiritually that will happen. I know from my perspective I had NEVER used my “spiritual side” ever (before doing alpha), so it takes a while to get working. Imaging now if it were your legs that you hadn’t used in 35 years, they would take some getting used to wouldn’t they! And our Soul / spirit is a lot more in depth and “technical” than our legs!

Don’t worry that you keep flitting between it being something real and something false or nice. Remember the film “the matrix”, if you had told those people that they were a battery and all there life was not real, NONE of them would believe it, would they! It is not a coincidence that “the matrix” was written and directed by CHRISTIAN brothers!

 You are in a good place to explore and challenge. Keep doing so, and make sure you do the weekend,  and you never know what might happen! You may even get your “proof” as it is possible… although the ones who want the proof, normally have to go on FAITH, and the ones who go on faith, end up getting PROOF! Funny old thing, but it doesn’t work as we think and as this world dictates.

 Keep going on the journey… you never know WHERE it may take you!

 See you tomorrow, hopefully.”

Rantings of a Mad Man.

Following this Tuesday session on the alpha course, I met a great person, who has continued to guide and lead me along this journey.

Below is the first of many mails we exchanged which kind of describes what was and is going on inside my head.

“I find myself this morning on a long train journey up to Newcastle for work, Where of cause I should be writing a presentation on Incident and change management for my customer, I rather disconcertingly find myself again totally distracted by thoughts of Tuesday evening.

More to help clarify my own mind I thought I’d write it all down and drop you a long rambling email, sorry… )

Interestingly my frustrations and impatience of Tuesday seem to be turning themselves into fear.

I don’t like to dwell on the past, but as a bit of background to my story, I`ve personally struggled for many years with depression brought on by deep anxieties and personal insecurities, of cause this is all nicely hidden away from the eyes of my work colleagues and the world.  My wife has seen this to a degree but of cause I`m the only one who really experiences and understands the impact and limits this places on me personally.

As a bit of background I went through a very bleak time through the winter of 2005 – 2006 where my depression hit an all time low, I had some horrendous thoughts including toying with the unspeakable suicide.  Luckily I was too ‘chicken’ to stick with this for very long, but a very frightening experience none the less.  This spiral continued for many years and encompassed the inevitable addictions – Alcohol, drugs and rather contradictory to the excesses of London, an all consuming obsession with triathlon and cycling road racing, whilst fantastic fun, it became a dangerous obsession, consuming everything. I was involved in a rather bad bike accident towards the end of 07 and with that, the birth of Luke and Nathan and our move to MK this initially dragged me out of this cycle of events.  I moved into a new job which I was probably ill prepared for, which pulled me into another cycle of anxiety and the inevitable depression.

It was at this time, My wife placed in my mind the idea that I needed to seek some help.  A few disjointed trips to various GP’s, psychologists and therapists finally led me to a therapist near home, who helped me understand the physical reactions and responses I was having. This was a hard time, but with the help of this fantastic person and some medication I`ve finally been able to look outside of the problem and see a bright and positive future full of possibilities and good things.

Which leads me to why I`m talking with you all.  In a nice cliched manner, I`m trying to find balance in 3 main areas, Mind, Body and Soul.  Mind and Body are coming along nicely, good regular exercise and a real academic interest in personal improvement and some realistic life objectives have nicely covered off the first couple of points, however Soul is proving a bit more challenging…

To manage and control my deepest fears and anxieties I`ve built up a nice protective barrier around me. My wife to some degree is inside that, as a consequence of our marriage and shared experiences, but the idea of letting somebody else (or something else, Jesus, God ???) inside that place is quite honestly terrifying.  I would have to open up everything, expose my soft underbelly, show my weaknesses, reveal my true self, show complete strangers that it’s all for show, be honest, cry! I doubt that I could do this openly and honestly, which is what I would have to do to let Jesus into my life.

I would be like a child again, I have struggled for so long to perfect this exterior and now the only way to truly release this burden is to throw it all away.

I so deeply and honestly want to shed this burden (hence the impatience).  Sometimes it is just too heavy carry on my own, but I do realise that without this load I could truly dedicate myself to a better cause, others…! My wife, my children, people with less, who could benefit from the strengths that I know I have.

I am reminded of a passage which was given to us from a child minder of our son’s when we left London. Having a memory shot to pieces by the excesses of youth I struggle to remember the exact words but it went something like this;

Walking along the beach I turned to God and said, you said you would always be with me. I look behind me in the sand and I only see one set of foot prints. You lied to me!  God said to me “That my child, is because I carried you when it was too hard”.

Right! Less of this madness……Incident and Change Management here I come……I`m sure we’ll talk more.”